Regret is like a sneaker wave. I am never looking for it, it comes when I least expect it and it drowns me, leaving me sad and sorry for much longer than I would like. I spend a lot of my time thinking about regret. I remember a girl I went to high school once saying “I don’t want to live my life with regret.” She was beautiful, sweet, and the prom queen. So of course I thought, "Yes, me too. I also don’t want regret." Except, I don’t know how to live without it. I don’t know how to avoid it. And I seem to welcome it into my life over and over again.
“If only…” becomes my mantra. My dreams are of whole other lives. I wish upon stars. I slave over my horoscope. I do all of this with the hope that somehow, some person or being or spirit will intervene and rescue me from this life I continue to regret.
I regret decisions instantly and continue to steep in regret until it is so strong, it is nearly unbearable. I regret purchases. I regret romances. I regret hairstyles. I regret job choices. I regret my geography. I regret friendships--those I made and friendships I did not make. I regret being too honest. I regret lies. I regret indulging. I regret limiting. I regret hurt. I regret joy.
Tonight, I regret. I wonder why I didn’t think about this before. I wonder why I thought this would be different than the other times. I worry that I will never make anything of myself. I am concerned that my poor decision making in the past will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I wonder if I will regret posting this…
No comments:
Post a Comment